Why I Write…

What I Write…

LOVE, LIFE, AND OTHER TRIVIAL PURSUITS

This might be relatively self-explanatory but I will explain it none the less. Everything categorized as “Love” has a tag to the inspiration (first initial or other name). I like to keep everyone sorted, they know who they are if they bothered to read this crap. “Life” is basically about myself in various perspectives and “Other Trivial Pursuits” may be about other relationships and/or experiences.

RECOVERY

These works are all categorized in accordance to my recovery. Giving a glimpse into my struggle with addiction, bipolar disorder and general existential crisis’

DETERIORATION

I started this hobby when (as the doctors expect) I was in full-blown mania. I fell into psychosis as my drug use progressed and I had to be shipped back to the USA where I was in that state for another 2 months. These are my writing I recovered as well as reflections of my trip to India and my trip of insanity

Why I Write…

I was halfway around the world in southern India where I ran into drugs and other love. I was immediately inspired by everything and enamored with everyone. I picked up writing meek songs and feeble poems to express myself both inwardly and outwardly to all that graced my presence; an attest to my grandiose nature that had me believing I was “enlightened” and “all was one” and I was the one. I was prophetic, high on my horse and getting even higher on the bathroom countertops where powder was lined and meditated upon… India was inspiring, yes, but it was probably due to a combination of an underlying disorder, ecstasy, acid and cocaine that led to such a facetious “trip.”

Regardless, they called it psychosis.

I’m not a psychologists or a class-A hippy but I can tell you that whatever went through my head in those months was surreal. I mean this in the most counterintuitive way but no imagination could understand— even if you were in it, you wouldn’t know until you were out. And I’m am just so grateful I got out (sometimes…).

My insanity had me hanging on barred windows naked in India and abusing my doctor “because he was a man.” I was completely wrapped by my new warped reality that had all stemmed from some fragmented knowledge about Asian religions; Women= Shakti= Power. ? . It might have started there but ideas would spring new theories with every new sense and my mind was so convincing! I went from believing I was a goddess, to a vampire to a sacrifice, to a reincarnation of the last Mayan princess that would save mankind in a matter of days. I fully believed myself…

I also believed everyone outside myself knew these “secretes of the world.” Any doubt only led me to creating another conspiracy about them. My friends were scared for my life and I gave them a reason to be scare for their own; pulling knives on my lovers and singing of death to mangy dog are a couple of my most regrettable moments… They were so out-of-character. Everyone was unsure of what had become of me.

“Why are you acting like this?” I remember one of them saying as they shook me against the wall. I can see myself laughing in their face— completely mad. They alerted my parents, urging them to travel to India as soon as possible and take me back to Chicago. Unfortunately, their saving grace only ended my physical trip, not my mental one.

I don’t remember landing in the USA and it took 2 more months for me land back into reality. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder 1 and my days consisted of group therapy, poetry, loud sights and persuasive beats. I would trace lines between everything I read, heard and/or thought I read/heard; spinning the most beautifully tragic sweater of delusions that I still put on from time to time…

Luckily (debatably), stars aligned and I met someone who tolerated my twists and, more importantly, listened to my nonsense with stoic silence. I began to hear myself think again… I suddenly became conscious of all my manic thoughts… I hadn’t realized I had lost this power– this power of awareness, this idea of “self” with regard to all “others.” I became scared, depressed and incredibly embarrassed by everything I had said and done. Every ambition disappeared in the fog of those lost months. I couldn’t piece it all together so I lost faith in everything (and I mean everything).

Everyone wanted to see me stable but I would have been happy to die. I continued to waste away; avoiding my meds, drinking, drowning and eventually falling into a drug-induced comatose. You could say I was suicidal… Well, the psych ward might tell you that and how they’d sent me to rehab where I finally came to terms with my dependance on drug use– and it’s true, they have effect my life in SO many ways (honestly, good and bad).

My poetry has now developed into a regular outlet for me and this blog allows me to keep all of my mediocre work together, in some sort of order. I also have another blog, Hippy Healing, that is focused on information, inspiration and a bit more of my personal story with the struggle of addiction and co-occuring disorders with a holistic perspective. All of the content there is post-insanity but there are journals of my journey with much more detailed recollections.

Crap

My brain scan from the hospital in India.

Thank you to everyone who has pushed me to write
more about my trip and all it’s beautiful disasters!

Check out the tab, Cohering My Trip,
for the endlessly updated works
mapping the journey

:)

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24 Responses to Why I Write…

  1. Wow, how vividly honest. :)

    Like

  2. Shayna says:

    wow, I can relate to so much of what you have to say. I too was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 after believing I was enlightened – I also thought I was god, as well as a vampire, a zombie, and Hitler reincarnated. It was so spiritual, and completely insane. I also write poetry :) Best of luck to you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Robyn says:

      Ahh!! It is so refreshing to know I am not alone! May I ask, how long ago this was for you and also how long it took you to recover— spiritually speaking?

      Like

      • Shayna says:

        The night I finally “snapped” was one year ago yesterday. Tomorrow will mark the one year anniversary of the day I was hospitalized. I was in the hospital for almost a month. I’m still recovering – trying to regain my spiritual enlightenment. It’s a challenge to feel that magic again, there is always that fear of slipping back into psychosis. I’m meeting with a new therapist tomorrow who wants to honor the spiritual experience, so I’m excited about that. When was your experience? How is your recovery going?

        Liked by 1 person

  3. abitjuakali says:

    How vivid and painful….wow what a journey for you! glad you have come to this new understanding of self – perhaps, even, stability? India is an amazing place, but has a very dark and dangerous spiritual presence that can bring out some unbelievable things in us. I know I struggled while I was there….
    blessings to you. :)

    Liked by 1 person

  4. dipmeinmarmalade says:

    You are an inspiration. Please keep writing

    Liked by 1 person

  5. One of the best about pages I’ve seen very informative. I also really enjoy your poetry.

    Like

  6. daringescape says:

    I journeyed over here after reading some of your work. Your story is shockingly similar to mine when it come the quest for “enlightenment.” In a nut shell I become obsessed with conspiracies at a young age. One piece of “evidence” led to another and before I knew it, I was consuming some of the most bizarre theories (as I look at them now) believing them as truth. I was on a full-blown ego trip wondering why all the rest of the world was sheep, thinking of myself as god, etc. to being terrified at what a monster I had created (the world). I laugh about it now, However, the journey was informative and transforming nonetheless. As they say, you come full circle–back to yourself. I really believe what all the enlightnement and spirituality stuff is all about- no matter where you find yourself- you always take yourself along with you.

    So anyway, thanks for the visit and all the best!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Robyn says:

      It’s a tough recovery from stuff like that— this— it’s tough. I love WordPress for all of the support I have been getting from others. There is nothing more empowering than knowing your not alone. I also wish you the best and thank you so much for stopping by, your work is also very good (I have done much snooping :P)

      Like

  7. InfiniteZip says:

    Thank you for finding me and wow, your style is amazing…I love reads where you have to stop,reared and wonder..hmmmm…it’s a great thing;) following back .have a great day, Kim

    Liked by 1 person

  8. bostonpoetry says:

    Hey, thanks for following and liking my poem. Sometimes it’s the pieces that I least expect people to like that get liked the most.

    So sounds like you had one hell of a ride. I can relate as my girl went through much of the same thing you did. In addition I struggle with all the good stuff- depression, anxiety, ADHD without the hyperactive, OCD, etc. So, yeah. I’m definitely going to dig into your posts.

    Writing is so cathartic, isn’t it?

    Anyway, thanks again for stopping by.

    Cheers,

    Mike

    Liked by 1 person

  9. bkatende says:

    Thank god you were able to come back. I have to read your story Robyn. Good luck hang in there.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. AnElephantCant think of anything clever to say
    This happens time after time
    But he wants you to know
    That he likes you and so
    He says hello with this silly rhyme

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Curlydaz says:

    I think you should write your journey through India (and India’s journey through you) into a book. If you remain as vividly honest and brave as your style screams, I think it would be something special. Pleasure to discover you and thank you for checking out my meanderings.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Robyn says:

      Maybe one day… I still don’t see myself much as a writer as I am fairly new to this.. We shall see, but thank you for saying that, it’s inspiring to know someone would be interested in it. And I will keep your description of my style in mind, I like those words, I wouldn’t know how to describe all this otherwise!

      Like

  12. Thank you for the follow Robyn
    You’ve gained a fan of your story
    And your site

    Like

  13. Hey there,I just wanted to say that I really admire your writing.
    And wanted to pass the Liebster Award nomination to you…
    You don’t have to do it…
    It’s entirely up to you.
    http://regardingsamuel.com/2014/08/10/the-liebster-award/

    Like

  14. johncoyote says:

    You are amazing. I love your work. Hard times and life make us know what we need and want. I read and write to keep my mind active. Writing make us think and create a outlet to expand our thoughts. A good thing.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Hey there
    I’m sure you’ve gotten countless nominations for this
    But
    In case you haven’t
    I would like to nominate you
    For the very inspiring blogger award

    The Very Inspiring Blogger Award | Regarding Samuel
    http://regardingsamuel.com/2014/10/10/the-very-inspiring-blogger-award/

    Like

  16. I’ve nominated you for the LIEBSTER AWARD because I think you’re pretty bad-ass. https://flowersrisin.wordpress.com/2015/08/23/liebster-award-3/

    Like

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